Sorry it has taken me some time to get back to this post while trying deal with what has been going on with me. I read your responses soon after, have been trying to figure out the thought processes that are going on in my mind. I have also been trying to keep myself soooooo busy that it doesn't allow my mind to travel back to last year almost day by day at this point. I have also upped my meds to make sure that the nightmares don't haunt me.

The start of my issues started with a trigger on a Dr Phil program (don't usually watch that). It was about the girl that was missing in one of the carabbien countries (can't even remember her name or where). They are thinking that she was taken into the sex slavery trade that is huge in that area. Then they were talking about another girl that was in a similar situation.......she had tried to contact someone while on the beach, but the guy she tried to get through to, didn't understand & didn't realize until he saw her missing photo. I have always had the fear of being in a situation & no one will listen to me. Feeling trapped with no way out of the situation & no one listening. That was exactly what happened last year with the RN when I was being accused of abusing my Mother & no one would listen especially the police that were accusing me of it. Luckily it turned out ok for me in that my mother's cognative abilities were still good enough to tell them that everything with me was ok. However they wouldn't even let me say anything about what I had been going through for the past 5 days. When I was told to "shut up & sit down", I had a fear of being put in jail for absolutely nothing with no one to get me out of the situation. It took me awhile after seeing that Dr Phil program to realize that was what triggered my feelings besides it coincided with the dates when it all started last year. I have also done some thinking about finances & the cost of the current psychologist I have been going to. The cost of going to her is just about the same amount that board & training for my horses is going up. I can go back to my previous psychologist now that I better understand what I need to deal with, & it won't cost me anything because he takes medicare as payment in full, rather than it only being 1/2 & having to come up with the other 1/2. Guess that added to the fact that I felt like everytime I was trying to express something, I was interrupting a comment that was being made about the same personal thing that had been said several times. (hard to explain what I heard happening). I called my previous psychologist & he was very glad to have me back as a patient. He has always been kind of father like with me & I had gone to him for over 8 years......so he knows me well. My problem at the beginning of the year was that there was so much going on inside of me that I couldn't even put in into thought or words unless asked questions & he is actually better at listening rather than questioning. There are still so many things going on inside that I can't really define, but will see how it goes.

Sky,
Thank you for your good wishes. I think you hit the nail on the head with the fact that I have been holding things for so long that I am completely overwhelmed. Yes, my critters are good for giving me relief. What they seem to do is put me into a place where I think about them so much & enjoy them so much that I don't allow room in my mind to think of other things. My reading about "horses body language", "how horses think", "how to teach them perfect manners", & "positive horse training", keeps my mind thinking about them even when I'm not around them.....not giving my mind time to think about much else. I know the things are there, but fight letting myself dwell on them, and as long as I don't think about them, they don't bother me until something brings them up.

Tomi,

Sorry I gave you a headache from wracking your brain.....would you like some of my Fentynal for my migraines?.....lol. I appreciate you sharing ideas for me to think through. It always helps me when I can have other thoughts to help me put things into perspective. What you explained about the good & bad days is very similar with me too. Definitely on good days, I am able to listen, retain, & think through what I am told.....& even figure out how it applys......& yes, on bad days, I have a problem even thinking or figuring out what people are trying to say to me. (probably why I haven't responded sooner to this post). Oh yes, you are looking at the "all time control freak". I have always been around guys growing up & in my career. No way could I allow anything out because it would be a sign of weakness. I would have to be pushed & pushed before I would allow any little bit out.....& even then it wasn't all that was in there. I was & probably never will be good at letting a little bit at a time out (even though I agree with you....it is the right way to do it). Hopefully with some time, I will get better at letting things out a little at a time rather than being a pressure cooker that blows its top (like I usually have been). When something doesn't work (like blowing up), I try hard to make the changes necessary to improve, but it does take me some time no matter how much I know what is right.

Yes, I do know how much you care......I appreciate that so much....& you always have so many ideas that are good food for thought & for implementation. I hope you know how much I appreciate you & the responses you provide when I am struggling.

Thank you so much
Debbie