Hi again. How has your xmas been?
I decided to have a quiet one by myself and deal with all the emotions.
Of course it gets hard to look after him when you suffer. He is in a lovely age - and I can imagine he is giving you a lot of strength.
How did you find out these things about your ex? I am sorry he was so abusive and manipulative. Like my ex - a human vampire. I am glad your spirit is coming back and I can only imagine how tough it is to write about this. Please - if you feel overwhelmed then you do not have to write.

I have been my ex for 7 years. We were engaged. We lived in a huge lovely house and were looking after his 2 kids when they visited every other weekend. We went through a lot together. It was not all bad. When it was good - it was so good. He was my best friend. He was not a criminal. He was not violent to other people (with the exception I think of his ex wife when they were married). We had periods when it was lovely. But the times when he was abusive were devostating. Confusing. Heart breakin and making me weaker and weaker. He would never make a decision about anything. He would make it always so stressful. He would make promises and did not carry through. His verbal abuse was awful. His emotional abuse was just so devostating and then he became violent. When I left - I left with such little power. I spent the last year rebuilding myself. Now - that I am stronger and just want him completely out of my life and to move on, he keeps all my belongings and wont give them to me. He says he still wants to get married and when I ask for my stuff - he invents some excuse why I cant come and get it or why he cant send it to me until a few weeks... Although he does not know where I live - I still feel he is power over me as he has my things. I think he cant cope with the fact that I m moving on. He had so many chances. So much time to do something about his problems. He drinks and has not stopped. He could have married me and did not. And now he still wants to keep me captive. I have never met anyone so selfish, so cruel, so hurtful with no consideration to others wants and feelings. He scares me just thinking how he considers me as something to serve his needs. Its very hard to integrate all this...

Is the refuge helpful? Did you get to speak to a counsellor?

If you have some money - its useful to see a chinese doctor - with herbs and accupuncture they can balance the body and help you heal, balance your emotions and speed recovery. I dont know what I would have done without it.

Happy, safe and beautiful xmas to you and the little one. I am sure he is very proud of you x