oh
yeah...you are both right. Pegasus and racee.

i am trying to get over him.
My problem is = i love mean people for some reason. For some reason i enjoy...they carry this for me....lol. I did fall in love with the creature....SENSING that behind the psychological mask he mighty be a jerk. There is something in me that LOVES mean people and loves getting into relationships and fighting with them. This is a problem. I felt some power from him.

It feels like another alter. The biggest one.

Well...as for alters...
You know - my problem to throw myself out of this right now is that:

a) He`s the only safe place i know for now.
b) I am afraid that my alters has done things that if i tell the law will be involved.
c) I am in love with him and this will cause more depression.
d) I kind of got a plan to leave him at some point - yeah....

IDK - damn it when he started the DID thing i started feeling....well not just better - but - more true. More real. Because my alters do not call him anymore that does not mean that they do not exist. One got angry and called him about a month ago or so and threatened to kidnap his kids. Before another one called him and ...well....i still don`t get it..something a little bit complicated happened there. ONLY AFTER THE WHILE CRYING CALL AND MY FORGETTING, AND THE DIRECT OTHER THREAT I DID AND DID NOT REMEMBER - did i started feeling that therapy was actually CONNECTING ME!!!

My falling in love with him awaken my "lost" desires for dancing singing songwriting and drawing....and i am happy and grateful that it happened.
I suspect sometimes he better hospitalizes me and after i go through all that horror i am more aware and awake to myself. Maybe i can control that. So that i don`t act in destructive ways and not know about it only from flash backs...

BUT...if flash backs from the night are real...i am afraid that it is better that people do not know...