Dear All

You are such great community. Nice to meet all of you. And thank you for your time and answers. I appreciate it very much.

Well, about the problem....

I just read your answers and...yes....I have been thinking about keeping journal or about writing just few words every day ...about my thoughts, feelings, dillemas...And I do write some notes... not on regular basis but still...

My problem is the way I comunicate, the way I show myself to others (including my T). Let me make it simple and try to explain...

Huh...I am very extrovert, very "optimistic" person. Or better - my feelings and thoughts are ambivalent but I "sell" such look to others.

The person who is always smiling (honestly), who has a lot of idea, who works a lot....At the first moment (as well as at the rest of time ) you would never guess that I could even have some problems.

Every time, when I meet my T she is telling me...."you look OK", "you have a lot of positive energy and that`s great" . After such comments I just can`t mention anything I was prepared for. I am usualy frozen. OK, I was always expected to be perfect and that`s why I`m acting like this but - how to change it?

Such behavior is among the reasons which caused my first panick attacks...(I exploded showing all simptoms of heart attack and it was teriblle.)

Before my first panick attack occured, I was seeing an other T (male), very famous psychiatrist, very good person and very expensive as well.

We were spending two hours every week for 11 months...speaking about anything, about my problems, thooughts...and he concluded "that I am strong enough and that I am capable to overcome any problem..".

And I knew that wasn`t the real picture of me...

I was full of weakness and very often my time and behavior weren`t under my control... my sleepless nights, my deep crisis when I spent all night long crying and thinking about suicide, my impossibility to deal with such simple things like wake up and go out from house...And on the other side...even an minor light, the smallest good thing was enough to change my day, my mood, to give me energy...And this (probably manic) episodes confused my T.

And, of course I did tell him everything about the dark side but he had only one answer - "Even the strongest persons have their crisis and problems. You are too emotional but it is time for you to grow up". Well, I was 35 already...

My God....I felt so helpless.

Now, I have the same problem. How to make my new T to take serious what I am talking about.

The best start could be to write some notes now and than give it to her. But .... what`s the next I should do? I feel unsecure like never before in my life...I fell like I am sitting in the front of judge waiting for worst sentence.
Hm, maybe I should tell her this sentence, exactly as I wrote it here...

However...thank you for your time again and sorry if I loaded you with my problem too much.

Knowing that there is a place I can speak frenkly on and being understood helps me a lot already.

Hugs