I have become over-attached to older females ever since I was a small child. From the age of 10 I experienced so much shame and fear over these feelings that I spent my entire adolescence utterly suicidal. Ironically, by my mid-twenties my suicidal behaviour had become so dangerous, I had no choice other than to accept therapy (and thus the therapeutic relationship). For the first year or so, I fought and fought against these feelings, as I have my whole life. And then, slowly, I 'embraced' them. I accept that I love my therapist. For the first time in my life, I have stopped fighting my feelings, and I'm allowing myself to experience it. Far from eating me alive, accepting and expressing these feelings is freeing me up to live properly for the first time.

My T says she loves me (not unethically or unprofessionally) and I believe her. She says she always thinks about me when I'm not with her. It is a boundaried, paid relationship and I would defend those boundaries fiercely if it came to it. But those elements do not make it less valuable, less healing, less real.

It's ok to express your pain, your doubts, your fears. But I don't think it's ok to judge people like me, who make different choices from you, as deluded, or doubt our intelligence. I am doing what I have to do to heal. I'm sorry if this is 'heartbreaking' to you.

(again, my feelings are not romantic. They are feelings for a 'mother')