I can't believe this is happening. I am in the twilight zone. My t is gone until next Monday and I have to just get this out there. I had Christmas at my parents in the midst of a major depression. (no sleep, no eating, you all know)

I had an appointment with t on Friday just proccessing how terrifying the holidays were when I grew up because of the abuse and alcohol and how we just had to act like nothing was wrong. How my parents would fight so bad and then take a break so us kids could open gifts. We would have to come out from our rooms and act like nothing was wrong and open our presents while my dad was drunk and my mom and him were fighting. Then after the hour of faking "happy" they would go back at it and we would go to our rooms to try not to listen but always scared of what was happening. We talked about just getting through the day and how things are different and I am not a small child anymore etc. So here I am all pepped up and ready to go handle Christmas with the fam.............

My mom told me the night before but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. My brother and sister-in-law (and kids) came over Christmas morning and my sister-IL's face was beaten so bad. Her left eye was swollen shut and her right looked really bad as well. Her whole face from her cheekbones up was one whole swollen black and blue mask. They had gotten into a domestic two nights before and she hit my brother and he hit her back. But it was not just one hit back. He hit her with all his might.

I started to cry. My mom just sat there a stirred the gravy. Nothing was mentioned. It was unreal. I can't believe that we could carry on Christmas Day like we did.

I haven't stopped eating since. I think I shoved over a dozen sugar cookies in my face yesterday. Today not much better; 6 pieces of licorice, a truffle, cheese its, pizza, cereal. I went from not being able to eat for over two weeks (due to depression relapse) to not being able to stop.

My t is gone. I don't even know if I want to tell him anything when he comes back because it just feels like a betrayal of my family. It won't be spoken about again in our house. I might explode from stuffing my face but other than that it will just get filed with the other Christmases.

I cry when I think about t and how lucky his kids are to have him and how special I know he makes their holidays. I don't want to let him in on the ugly side to my Christmas.