Below is a facebook message that I sent to two close friends of mine. I figured I'd post it here. Since my friends aren't really used to... dealing with things like this. I also couldn't bring myself to tell them how suicidal I am feeling.

<<<<We're friends, and I want it to remain that way. But lately, we haven't been incredibly friendly. We used to hang out quite a bit, invite each other places we go, have fun, and now we simply don't. Overall you are too good a friend for me to just accept this.

You probably haven't noticed, because I try to hide it. But I haven't been feeling well lately. It's like living itself is a chore for me. It just seems so pointless, and I am having a very hard time with it. I don't understand what I am supposed to be living for, what anybody is supposed to be living for. It seems to me like we just are here, and we occupy ourselves until we die, and I don't want to occupy that time with bad things.

The ****** thing is, I have less motivation than I have had ever. At least before I had motivation to maintain friendships, because as we both know, friendships are like plants, if you don't care for them they whither and die. (:P). I feel like if this life were the Sims 2. I would just want to pause. I would resume later... for sure... but for some reason I don't want to hang out with people. I don't want to do fun things. I don't know why, or what's wrong, on the other hand, I KNOW that if I don't continue to maintain friendships. They will whither and die, exactly as if it WERE Sims. it's a horrible catch 22.

I hate the fact that everybody is always into getting a laugh, or trying to have fun. Yes, that is ultimately our goal... but can't we ever know what is actually bothering our friends? If people are only friends when they are happy go lucky, well, then they can't really be good friends ;\

I guess, I am just getting depressed for some reason. Which is dumb, and I know it is. I have a caring family, a beautiful girlfriend, awesome friends, etc, etc, etc. For once, there isn't really anything negative in my life. Which, is actually just making it worse in a way, because before I thought "well, maybe with X in my life I will be happy." But now I have EVERYTHING that I want in life, and am still not happy. Meaning that the problem is with life itself, and on top of it. I can barely sleep. Thinking about all of this.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel bad that I haven't been a very good friend lately.>>>>

I was also kind of wondering if that was too heavy/dark to send friends. I am also secretly hoping that they read it, realize how depressed I am, and tell me something good. I don't know.