I don't know where to put this because it could fit in just about any place here so I am posting it here and someone else can decide where it should go.

Healing is such a strange thing. No one wants to be sick.. unless you're sick with hypocodrititis , or munchousing and so on but hey in the ideal world (if there is such a thing) the concept is if you're sick take care of it and be done. hip hip hoo ray I'm cured right? Think about it a person is sick for much of their lives with a problem could be cancer, organ failure, mental disorder, disfigurement. Then one day after working for ages and ages aiming for that cure that never comes and suddenly you realize "OMG this is it. I have reached for the stars and caught them" I did that when I was diagnosed with this cancer - MALT Lymphoma. I was told I had a 5o-50 chance thats it. no 98% chance and so on. With non hodgekins lymphoma I had two choices remission or die the first time around. So I reached for the stars forced the doctor into treating me when he wanted to give it more time to develop (why is beyond me other than I was on state medical card and they didn't want to charge the card at this stage of the game) and one year later I sat there hearing the words "well you did it, you are now in remission, cancer cell free, hold it for 7 years and you will be cured" I sat there like a stupid idiot thinking "what just happened here, is this for real, remission or die and I got the remission?" Then I went though all kinds of stuff like not knowing how to talk to my friends that were still battling for their remissions. Then I didn't want to be in remission because I thought I had to leave all those friends behind. but then I realized my friendships with them may have started because I had cancer but it didn't continue because I had cancer. it continued because both sides enjoyed each others company.

I have found that mental disorders are no different. we all reach for the stars hoping to finally be done with the problems. but how many of us once we realize our depression, panic attacks, DID and whatever other problems we have are finally at that last stage of healing. We have finally grabbed that elusive, shining star of healing. No matter who it is every time one of my friends reaches this point they go through the "what nows" and "how am I going to fit in now that I'm different and becoming whole again" So many things that person goes through on that end of the spectrum as does the unhealed side of the friendships. Everytime I see someone bypassing my healing level I go through being jellous of the person, the "why couldn't that be me's" the "oh man healing REALLY is possible if he or she can" and theres the "OMG what will happen to me when I reach that point?"

Healing is just so strange a feeling for both sides - wanting it, not wanting it because of what is being left behind. So hard to figure out.

But the one thing I do know and that is the healing process is amazing, questions and all. And in the healing process of my cancer and my DID I have learned to welcome those lifes awards that show me healing is possible and I don't need to leave my friends behind just because they heal faster or slower than I do. If they are healing faster then me then they have alot to offer, just by being with me and being their self and if they are healing slower than me I have alot to offer just by being around for them and being myself (the person not the memory piece as LMO pointed out sometimes using that word now can be confusing LOL). and I also know I love hearing about the up side of the healing process not just the down side so now that I have probably confused the hell out of everyone I'll stop typing for a bit.