I rarely write my own post. I might ramble for a bit. I don't expect answers. Just knowing people will read this is enough.

But today I'm feeling that I need my T. Monday is normally one of the days I see her. But part of me is glad she is gone. I'm snowed in with 2.5 feet of snow and would not of been able to make my appt. anyway. I was thinking this morning how panic would have overcome me because I would be missing my appt. That feeling is the worse. Needed to get there but can't. I have those anxiety type dreams all the time.

So, the good thing is I'm not experiencing that anxiety that I need to get to my appt.

But, I'm coming up on a major trauma anniversary on Wed and I'm starting to feel shaky. T told me that I can call if I need to talk. That she is answering her calls. But I'm one of those patients that never calls. I have a hard time reaching out when I need it. I'm concerned because sometimes I dissociate. Not in the multiple personality way. But I just space out. In fact this has not happened in a very long time. Yesterday I hurt my shoulder. I don't know how I did it. One minute I was taking a shower, the next I couldn't move my arm and was in extreme pain. So I waited for a few hours thinking I just strained it. But I ended up in the emergency room in the middle of the blizzard. Not dislocated or broken. They told me to go to the ortho doc. IT HURTS and obviously I did something to it. Cannot move it without extreme pain. I had to lie at the ER because they wanted to know how it happened. Of course I couldn't tell them that I didn't know.

So, I'm starting to think that I dissociated, hurt myself, didn't know it until I was sitting in a chair.

What concerns me is that I'm reacting to the trauma by dissociating. I've never hurt myself before when I've been in this state.

So I sit here, do I call my T or do I wait? What good would it do anyway? Make me miss her more? And I would still feel crappy about the trauma.

Ok enough my rambling.