Yes, I think I'm much much better.

When I started therapy, I was married to a controlling, domineering man with a bad temper. I did not realize this was a bad marriage. I thought the problems were all my fault (for being lazy, stupid, disorganized, inept, etc.) I was deeply depressed, but I did not realize that either. I struggled with SI. (Cutting.) I did not function very well. I was anxious, with panic attacks.

Now, I'm divorced, and about to finish up in a graduate program. I don't cut any more, and I function reasonably well most of the time. (Still struggle with a tendency to depression.) I have friends, I have activities I enjoy. I live in my own apartment, and I've made it nice. I'm enthusiastic about my life.

Yes, therapy helped me.

I accept my need for intimacy, I accept that it's better for me to have friends and be involved with people, and I should put effort into doing this. I haven't completely lost my fear of intimacy. Here, I'm talking about intimacy with friends, and I can do that better now. I have less social anxiety. I'm not so afraid of people, and, more, I can untwist my inappropriate fears of social interaction, so that I am now more able to be with and enjoy people.

I don't have a partner. I was married for over 20 years. I don't want a partner. I don't really trust my ability to pick a good partner. I have a tendency to be attracted to abusive men, and I'm afraid of doing that again.

I like just having friends, and living without being yelled at.

I haven't even dated since my divorce. If I'm ever at the point where I want to date, I would definitely want my T's feedback on my partner(s), etc.

But I do have a close group of friends, and I feel intimate with them. (In fact we are planning to start an intentional community together.)

My mother is much like my ex-husband (surprise surprise!) She is also very domineering, critical and controlling. We were all afraid of her and her temper. I learned from my upbringing that the people who you think love you are also going to destroy you and dominate you; that's just part of the deal. Which is why I accepted my husband's behavior for so long.

*****

Look, there are definitely incompetent, inept therapists out there. My T that helped me so much is the 12th T I tried, and the only one that I ever connected with. And there are therapists that can do a lot of damage, also.

So there are definitely reasons to fire a therapist. But the reason that you've given: that you're deeply enmeshed in transference reactions and you find it extremely painful -- that's not a good reason to fire a therapist, or to quit therapy. That enmeshment most likely reflects the depth of your need, not the competence of your therapist. (I say 'likely' because I don't know you -- so please take what I say with a grain of salt -- use your own judgment).

The big reason to fire a therapist is the therapist has poor boundaries. Sex is the big no-no, but any kind of boundary violation is going to be a problem.

Other problems could be that you and the therapist don't click, or that the therapist isn't trained in treating your particular issues, or that the therapist doesn't behave in a professional fashion. So like I say, there are reasons to fire a therapist. But the reason you've given -- that's one you have to look very very carefully at.

You might look at your T's training and experience. Is your T skilled at working with your particular issues? That might give you some kind of objective measure of what's going on with you.

Anyway, I hope these thoughts help you a bit. I know that none of this is easy.

Take care,
-Far