Carrie,

Thanks for sharing that. I see some of the same patterns in myself, and didn't know that you felt the same way sometimes too. I can get frustrated over big things or a bunch of small things, and sometimes it sends me into a rage where I might yell at my kids, slam doors and things, throw things, etc. It's not uncommon that there is some SI involved too. That's how it went last month when I lost it and wound up stuck in a severe depression for a few weeks. The first incident was that the kids got into my chocolate chip supplies - 3 or 4 bags were missing, or rather, they were all over the kids' beds and in their backpacks, etc. I was mad, but also frustrated because they know better and whatever I try I just can't get them to learn not to take things that aren't theirs, and frustrated because that was what I was going to use for Christmas baking and I just can't keep anything safe. I yelled and threw things and stepped out of the room and tried to calm myself down (you guessed it, by cutting), went back and tried to deal with the kids again until I was banging my head, left to try to calm down again, ... That cycle went on all evening and even the next morning every time the kids saw me they started pointing fingers at each other and all of them claiming, "I didn't do it" and the cycle started over again. When I told my T about what happened that was when he said I had to stop the cutting. The rage was so bad that I wasn't sure about my memory of it even just a few days later. I try not to spank my kids because I'm afraid of losing control, especially when I am that mad, and I didn't think that I spanked anybody but wasn't sure.

Rage is really scary. Not to minimize what you go through, but I admire you so much for being able to bounce back after things happen. It takes me days or weeks to climb out of the hole if I get in it. The unfortunate thing for me last month was that just when I had about gotten out of the hole I got shoved back in again and fell hard, and it took the rest of the month to get out again. I'm doing good now but still get fragile easily. So I really admire your ability to recover. In fact, learning how to recover faster or getting better at climbing out of the hole is what I have told my T I want to work on, since I have no hope of always being able to avoid that hole. I have just been in it too many times. And I feel bad about acting so poorly too.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>