(((ThaDMC)))

Unfortunately, I've been down that road that you find yourself on. My hub and I were together for many years ~ 15 married (I think?) and 3 living together. I tried very hard to put myself together. Every 6 months or so, I would be struck by this intense panic. Panic that I couldn't be a good wife. What if I wasn't truly "in love" with him?? It couldn't be! The emotional turmoil was incredibly intense ~ I remember it very well!!

I saw therapists throughout, trying to fix myself. Yet those horrible fears kept sneaking into my life at the best times. It was a horror My hub was supportive, but confused by my fears. He could not understand where these intense feelings were coming from. Part of my horror was physical: I had epilepsy, and was having seizures completely undiagnosed and untreated for many years. Treatment wasn't easy for me to obtain though, and simply added another puzzle piece to my very messy world.

My story obviously isn't the happiest one out there. Some people here do have successful marriages, and feel safe & comfortable in their world. I am not one of those people, and don't intend to scare you. I just want you to know how well I understand what you are feeling inside. My experience has taught me to be more flexible ~ as well as to work through my emotions. Don't let them build up inside of me, while I completely deny their existance. Admitting those emotions, and going on to work through the memories has been a very long road. But going down that path was unavoidable!

Very best wishes to you and your wife. While looking back on your life may not be what you want to do, it is an important part of working through your hell. The thoughts and feelings will make their way out of you in one way or another. Better to bring them out on your own terms, with professional help (if needed).