50 years old, issues since childhood, BPD, anxiety, depression etc..
Off and on meds, in and out of therapy.

"Treatment Resistant" I was told- that there are some people who just don't respond well to antidepressants etc.. And yes, I have tried a variety of doctors, and combination of meds, and putting up with side effects etc..for 30 years.
Finally, about 2 years ago I started on Lamictyl. I think it has helped my highs and lows even out a bit, and age has probably helped some too. I use to be even more reactive than I am now.

Once I took a DBT class which was helpful at the time but none of it lasted. I have liked a couple of therapists but I felt like I was paying these people to be my friends, and I wasn't able to really make any changes.

I do know this all takes lots of work; I have gone through better times than others- though none of them very good. It seems like I have only functioned "well" when it came to taking care of my kids, who are now older. I just seem to get by, always just getting through each day. For a while now, I have been unemployed, and I feel like my isolation is the only thing that keeps me sane- because I am not having to deal with the stuff that comes from working and social relationships.

In my head, I know the things I should do to help myself, but I cannot get out of my own head. I am stuck, and seem to be slipping backwards. If I even let myself go there in my head I will not be able to stop feeling the guilt and regret and disdain for myself, the complete lack of respect I have for all the time I have wasted.

Sorry- I didn't mean to write so much in order to get to the question:

I need to make another appt with my pdoc. What I am wondering is this: have any of you had similar experiences, where meds didn't help, but then you went back a long time later and tried something else? I go back and forth on this medication issue. thinking that I should be able to do this without meds, that this is who I am, and that I should be able to just get my **** together. And I always think that if I had the right job, a job that was fulfilling and could utilize my strengths etc.., that I would then be happy. But I have not been able to do that. I cannot focus and find my place in this world. I feel guilty about it all of the time.

I guess I am back at a place where I am wishing that something could help me. I want the magic pill. I'm guessing that many of you reading this will think I am just a pathetic person who doesn't want to take responsibility for her own treatment. Maybe I am. I'm just sooooo tired of myself, and so so tired of muddling through and being sad and regretful and guilty.