Ok, this is my 3rd post in 20 minutes.
I am falling apart here, and just want to complain about one more thing. I HATE when I can't just be miserable and fall apart in peace.. I hate having to hide my tears, and I hate having to pretend.
My 2 older kids are here now for the holidays and I am reminded of the pressure I feel to be okay. I don't even do it very well. I understand that I don't need to pretend that I am wonderful if I'm not, and they know I have issues, but I am going crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my 2 kids and I think they are about the only things I have done right. But I don't want them here now. I want to scream at my husband and cry in the privacy of my own home. I do NOT want to have to function. It is making me crazy..We were in the middle of a blizzard, now it's over and yet I have NO place to go.

I am so embarrassed and ashamed that my kids see how worthless I am; they know I have no friends and no life and I am ashamed and pathetic. When they are not here, I can pretend that they don't know this, but when they are here it feels like my sadness will explode from having to keep it in.

I wish they had a happy mom. I am so sorry they don't.