Hi,

I'm kinda scarce around the forums but hang out a ton in chat. So you may or may not recognize me.

I was very recently diagnosed with bipolar, though my pdoc did not mention a specific category of it. I was originally Major Depressive Disorder recurrent, but after I finally broke down and agreed to give anti-depressants a try, I was faced with an unexpected reaction. At first the celexa worked better than ok: I had energy, drive, and wonderful plans. I think in retrospect, I was a little hypo manic. However in late Sept, one and a half months after started the celexa I crashed. I may share that story later, but it's not too important for what I'm trying to get across. I had a small depressive period then and my pdoc upped my meds from 20 to 30mg. I felt great again for a week and a half, maybe two, but then fell back into depression, and up the meds go to 40mg.

That dosage made it obvious what the anti-depressant was doing, it would send me up and then bring me down. I started to cycle every day or so. I complained to my support group and they said to call my pdoc about it. So I did. We talked for a bit on Monday evening and he said I was probably bipolar. I had read up on my difficulties to that made total sense to me. He said to call him back Wednesday and he would prescribe me a mood stabilizer. My time till Weds was not smooth though.

I tend to think about suicide a lot in my depressive states and late Monday, I entered fast and hard into one. I went upstairs intending to stab myself with a large kitchen knife but couldn't do it, fortunately. However I decided that I didn't want to take care of myself anymore, so I would just stop eating and drinking till I died or was hospitalized. I fell asleep early the next morning (4 or 5) and woke up at 2 pm. My parents have been really concerned about my behavior lately, completely understandably. They set up a family meeting, trying to get me to commit to taking care of myself, and of doing things to help my mood, like exercise, going to classes regularly and others.

I reacted horribly. I basically said "I don't want to get better, I want to die." My parent said they wouldn't watch me slowly kill myself and my mom said if I was going to she wanted me out of the house. I left right then, in the middle of the conversation. My mom later followed me, though I believe they expected me to come back. She said you can spend the night at home decide what you want to do and then move out tomorrow if you are just gonna starve yourself. I came out of the depression Tuesday night, and everything I'd done seemed so irrational.

I called my pdoc on Weds, but didn't talk to him till yesterday. I got to school yesterday, and I even finish an important paper, but I also got my prescription filled. I am taking 250mg of epival (call depakote in the US) twice a day, and I really hope it stabilizes me in a good frame of mind, like the one I am in now.

That's my little diagnosis story, I'll probably try to hang around here and post more.

L&D,
Laura