I can relate to some, but not all of, the details in your situation. Unfortunately I am not in a place to give you much advice right now since I am struggling myself.

However, today I am going to try something and maybe you could try it too. Pick one simple goal for yourself- something that you know would make you feel better, even if only for a short time, even if it seems small. Say to yourself "At the end of today, I will feel better about the day if I could just do this one thing: _________."

For example, maybe you could drive to a store someplace and just buy one thing. Or maybe it's a 5 minute walk. Anything that will show yourself that you can make baby steps to having a better day.

I think the problem for many of us is that we see things all or nothing. We set ourselves up, thinking we should just be able to get over it- to fix all of our problems. That is self defeating and unrealistic thinking.

Positive steps and thoughts feed on each other- just as negative ones do. So try, just for today, and pick one thing. Then do it, and pat yourself on the back. Who knows, it might make you feel good enough to do something else- but don't push it!

Also, I just want to commend you for posting your feelings so honestly. That is a really good sign. It means you are reaching out and want to be heard and want to make changes. So already today you have made progress. Now... back to my idea: What will you try today? Let's see... my goal is to get outside for a walk. And in addition to that, I am going to report back to this forum and later, and hopefully see what you might have to say.