The triggers that I know about and know why still trigger me. I get that oh sh** feeling but once that initial shock hits theres the relax its just this because that and I start calming back down. Sometimes it takes a bit of time for this to kick in but it always does with the triggers I know about and have worked on. Where as the ones I have no idea what is behind them or even sometimes what the trigger was those coping skills don't kick in. Its kind of like my head is somehow saying F that I'm gone.

Yea taking care of the voices/memory pieces instead of running on triggered autopilot of memories is definately hard to descibe. Its like I hate to listen but yet I can't help but listen. and because I listen I know what needs to be done. in a way I am smarter because when I didn't listen past the static I didn't know what was hidden so I couldn't do those things while being aware. My friends think its funny that I could go to bed with a hamper full of dirty clothes and wake up the next morning and the laundry would be done. but the fact was I had left them in the hamper because I had no idea how to wash them. Now that I am aware and listening for Mary's voice (the memory of me at age 16) I can hear the runnung comentary of do this this and this and this bla bla bla. I know that how to do the laundry has been there in my brain so tecknically Im not smarter but yet being able to do the wash while aware is new to me so to me it seems like I am smarter. I also know that since I began listening and doing things, things seem to run alot smoother. Though there are times when I wish I didn't have this memory access because now I can't leave the laundry up to "Mary". Mary doesn't get triggered out as often in fact the only time I am triggered into the mary memories is during official type meetings. I haven't figured out why yet. so far that trigger and memory content alludes me. Course I haven't really looked for it either. LOL

Yea I think this is so cool too. I was feeling so alone in this and now Im not. In all my research theres alot about the process but nothing and no one to prepare me for the feelings that go along with going through it. Kind of like Laura Davis has been around for years giving survivors of sexual abuse a guide to the process of healing for that and also letting and showing survivors they aren't alone in what they are feeling during the process. There are lots of others now out there like her. But I have only found three survivors who have reached this level on DID healing and up until now I didn't think to email them about this level because I hadn't reached it yet. Now I see Im not alone. this is definately cool. (not that your going through it is cool but yet...LOL so cool.)