I was diagnosed as having BPD years ago and am basically a textbook case. I used to cut, have an eating disorder, I drank everyday for a year and a half, I grew up with an abusive and neglectful parent, my temper and rage is out of control sometimes and I definitely have issues with relationships.
I've gotten drastically better in the past few years, especially concerning my self destructive behaviors. I would wander around the city at night with men I had just met, drunk out of my mind and putting myself in dangerous situations pretty regularly two or three years ago. I had really pushed my friend's patience to the limit and was finding myself with a smaller and smaller support group, which of course triggered feelings of abandonment and caused me to act out even more.
I met a guy a year and a half ago and we got serious pretty quickly. I hadn't been in a serious relationship for two years beforehand and I knew that I should be careful...I tended to get attached and become intense too quickly and figured I'd push him away. It was weird because this time HE initiated the quick attachment and proposed to me three months into dating. I didn't know any better at the time and was ecstatic! My dream of a true, loving partner being there for the rest of my life coming true? Never having to be afraid of being alone ever again?? Sign me up! Of course it turned out he had emotional issues of his own and opened up to me about having been molested as a young child. My heart went out to him and I tried to be as supportive as possible...I signed him up for therapy, he refused to go. I cradled him as he sobbed to me and promised me he'd always love and be there for me, and then would lash out at me and accuse me of hating him. A few times he became violent and would put holes through walls and eventually tried to choke me. I put up with all of his erratic behavior because I could not fathom living without him and being alone. I even figured as awful as he was to me at times, he'd never leave me either....and mostly out of his own fear of being alone. There were good times, absolutely. I'd never dated a guy before who I could consider my best friend and I really believe this man was my first true love.
Two months ago he got a job, made friends there and distanced himself from me. I used to call him and have him call me throughout the day to keep in touch and make sure we were both safe, but suddenly he was exasperated and impatient with me checking in on him. I think he was embarrassed by the 'ole ball and chain' and wanted to impress his new guy buddies.
One day I couldn't take his distancing anymore, broke down sobbing with him and asked if he was ever going to leave me. That he couldn't leave me because he'd promised we'd always be together. He comforted me, promised he still loved me very much and we fell asleep in each others arms. The next day he broke up with me.
I have never been so devastated in my entire life. I really thought we would last forever and I'd never have to be afraid of being alone ever again. I lost touch with a lot of friends over the course of me and him dating since he was very bitter that I knew people and he only had me, so now I have almost no one to talk to. I got back into therapy and started taking klonopin for the panic attacks that have been plaguing me ever since it ended. I can't eat because of the anxiety and that triggered my eating disorder. I've lost 20+ pounds in a month. Of course to make matters worse, a week and a half after we broke up and we met up for coffee I saw he had a hickey on his neck. he admitted to having hooked up with a girl already. I had a panic attack in a Dunkin Donuts. He got over me so quickly! How could somebody who had promised me so much and seemed to love me more than anything in the world move on without even a small grieving period? I can't even picture dating anybody else but him at this point, but at the same time all I want is to be back in that comfortable type of relationship where we're best friends and I can be assured I'll never be alone. He was my best friend in the world and now I've lost that close friendship as well. My grandfather died a few days ago and when I called him sobbing, he told me that since we aren't dating anymore, he can't treat my problems as a priority and I had to get over it. It was the most hurtful thing anybody has ever done to me. In a course of one month he went from promising me the world to telling me to not bother calling him over my grandfather's death.
I'm so depressed.
My life is better in some ways...I'm finally moving on my own out of my parents house to Brooklyn, I did well at school and I just got a great internship. I just wish i didn't feel so alone and I also wish I didn't know that he couldn't care less if I was dead or alive.

P.S. do you think I'm playing the victim in all of this? ex-BF accused me of that all the time and I wonder if I really do tend to pay that part re-reading this...