*** TRIGGER WARNING for therapy relationship and trust issues !!!!

I debated with myself on posting this or not. I know many of us on PC are trying to work on our T relationships and do not want this to be seen as universal because it is my mind trying to figure this one event out.

I cried about it last night but it is such a small thing considering what all I have been through with trust for my T. And I finally felt safe with my T and just wanted to throw my arms around him yesterday and hug him tight - but I didn't. But I told him that.

Anyway, at the start of session after I had been talking a few min, he stopped me and asked if it was ok that he went to get a cup of coffee. I am always glad he does stuff that way with being honest because I want him to be there with me - and he wants to focus. So he takes care of stuff that way. No big deal. He got me a water while he was up. Then he came back and we had a good session. Except for the part where he said he didn't remember our last session.... hum...

Anyway, the part that bothered me was as he was getting up to get the coffee and telling me he was thinking about it and wanted to get it so he could get back to being with me rather than thinking about coffee, he said "Well, if you ever wanted to know what was in the mind of a therapist, there you go!"

It made me laugh at the time. But ....

Well, last night I just kept hearing that over and over and suddenly felt that the reason he couldn't remember the session before - and other things I sometimes tell him about several times - is because he is thinking about coffee or other things all the time instead of being there mentally with me.

I know this is distorted thinking in most ways. I know he cares and is there with me. But why does my mind just keep hearing that stuff from yesterday and playing it over and over?

I see him today and already sent last night a short email with the point on it about this - that we need to talk about it today. But I said last night I was sending it because I know I DON'T want to talk about it! When I work up this AM, I even more than ever didn't want to talk about it!
Now I am not happy that I have to see my T today and again Thursday. I feel like I don't want to see him at all since I felt like I have less value than a cup of coffee to him. There is a lump in my throat just typing this out this way.

Oh well. I wonder now about some posters asking if it is real and then I think they were right. But I keep reading the posts of others who say how their T went above and beyond the call of duty. Just like mine has done in the past. He is ALWAYS there FOR me. I know this.

Then I think about how I feel over this one small thing and I wonder if stuff my parents did to me was also just as small and maybe I am broken inside and just saw it as much bigger than it really was in real life? Maybe I wasn't really as hurt as I felt I was but the small stuff just stood out because I was too sensitive or maybe my head doesn't work right?

Ok now I am about to cry at work so I better just send this. No earthy clue how I am going to process this... urggg.