Hi, I'm new here so be gentle with me! I wanted to ask you if i'm depressed or not. It seems so stupid having to ask but i'm scared of exagerating everything n making a complete fool of myself. Besides i can't talk to my family coz i don't think they'd understand it - not of my family have had depression n it's not as if any awful events have happened to make me feel sad so it's alittle pathetic that i sometimes feel really down. I'm not at the mo. - it comes n goes - n for no particular reason at the mo. i feel fine, not great, but normalish. Anyway i'll stop rambling n tell you abit about my sadness. I felt kinda worthless for a while since i was 13/14, i'm very geeky n was made fun of at school for the way i looked n acted (like a 40yr old woman!) n i was constantly told i was born in the wrong era by my family (not intentionally meaning to be horrible but it's stuck with me). I'm still really embarrassed by certain features of myself because of the teasing - but thousands of kids go through that so it's not that important.
What i took from this though is that i didn't fit in. I'm 18 now n should be out there n happy but i'm not. Well not all the time. I'm still wierdish, i like country music, drawing princesses etc - (i bet you're all thinking "ahhh!!"). My saddness has not really ever effected my grades or anything n i'm going to uni next yr but i seem to have lost all my self-confidence. My family would argue with this coz i can be quite sarcastic n critical at times, but they don't know half the time how i'm feeling because i'm too proud to tell them n besides how can they help me i need to work this out by myself.
The worst thing about my sadness is the feeling that i'm sooo average rather than the blues themself. This is a quote from my diary from about a month ago "I pretend to be happy but i'm not - i feel a dark hole inside my heart that is threatning to swallow me up. I'm so unhappy i can't be bothered with anything or anyone - though i keep wishing for things that i know i'll never be able to obtain". That isn't a normal feeling is it?? Am i being stupid? This is another one "i want to be proud of myself - but i've done nothing special ever - i leave that up to everyone else. I'll never be able to compete against them".
Sometimes i feel numb - " i'm not depressed anymore but i'm unsure whether i've come through it. I'm just really lythargic n feel absolutely nothing at all. When people ask me how i am, i say fine coz i am, nothing more, nothing less. I couldn't care less about anything at the moment".
Maybe i'm being silly because at the time of writing this i was really bored as i was between school n a job but the feeling did kinda continue, maybe not to such an excess but... "it's so wierd feeling nothing it's like your heart has been extracted, your brain n body work perfectly but you feel nothing while you're doing things".
I'm scared of making a fuss as sometimes i'm fine just alittle pathetic for being so upset of nothing. Then I feel quilty for taking things for granted n try n make a consertive effort to be nice to my family n stop distincing myself from them. I have tried to find out why i'm here, what's the point in my exsistence (through religion etc) n it helps to a point n then something happens n i slump back down thinking "what's the point?" The awful thing is is that i know how to help myself but when i'm down i can't find the energy to put it into action. When i was down i wrote this "how can you know a solution n not do it - i'm weak n evil.". I hope you don't think i'm a hypercondriacte for writing these things down like this but it's easier to show how i'm feeling sometimes this way. "I'm so selfish n rude aren't i, i always need to make my problems worse than everyone elses - loads of people in my family have worries but they're not depressed n complaining".
I hate what i wrote a few weeks ago coz it upsets me as i hate to think it's true. "I need a personality transplant or something - might stop me from being so mean, rude n selfish. I hate it when i write these words coz i so want to be the perfect happy person, yet though i've tried i've gotten nowhere n people still dislike me. I mean everyone has there flaws but i have no redeeming qualities to counteract my awful ones". Writing it now, i feel selfish because i know my family loves me, n now when i'm fine, i can see hope n that i'm n okay n i think i'm being pathetic again!! But then something will happen, something soo small n i go all crap again. " i dont know why but sometimes i get s jealous n bitter about my life. The smallest act can make this feeling arise in my heart n spread slowly through my veins like poisen. It's not over-whelming like anger but it gradually makes me more n more confused".
What i'm asking after all this rambling is that am i depressed or is it just you usual teenage hormones? - because sometimes i'm fine - surely if i was depressed i'd be down all the time n not be eating n sleeping. But i those areas i'm fine. I did try talking to my doctor one time, when i went for something else, about feeling down - but unfortunetly couldn't be bothered! It's a circle for me, when i'm up, i feel i dont need any help or guidence so don't get any but when i'm down i feel it's as if it's not worth it coz i think that if i was really that bad someone would notice n help me! I don't talk to my family about my sadness coz i don't thing they'd understand n have other problems to deal with - but sometimes i feel like i'm drowning - i'm screaming but noone can here me!
Please help me in any way you can - tell me to get lost n get a life if thats what you think, if i know what i'm dealing with then maybe i can fight it - but the not knowing is killing me. Thanks Abby