TimeO, Honey, are you focussing on things you can do nothing about?? Since you are making things up about her, why not write her a happy story and let her go????

Be here now: right here, right now, you are fine. She does not define you, does she??? I hope not. You have no obigation to keep a deal with someone who broke it, that you made when you were not thinking clearly. You are your own person who can do things to take care of yourself. Like coming here to know you are cared about. Ya know???