*MAY BE TRIGGERING* PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.

Hi Myers,

Had to drop a line......(mods, if this is a little too graphic, feel free to edit)

Sorry, didn't have the eye stamina to read all of this thread, but being someone who was treated for psychopathic anti-social behavioural issues in the past, I do have some firsthand experience in the "treatment" I received.

Since the Aspergers dx, I have waxed and waned tremendously between ASPD, Psychopathy and AS. I dicounted the psychopathy/ASPD traits dx vehemently only because at times I did feel great remorse or guilt, I can feel empathy and I love deeply, in my own strange way. So, did I really feel none of those things and pretended to just to get out of tricky situations, or do I really experience them? Who bloody knows When I cry at the beauty of nature, I must feel something. It may have more to do with my inability to EXPRESS rather than an inability to FEEL. But I can be VERY charming when I need to be. To me, it is a skill like any other, but it is not authentic and I have made great pains to be "true" and discover my authentic nature and always be honest with myself.

I digress. My BEHAVIOUR is what clinched it for me. I have experienced rage so severe that I have been hospitalised for it. I have made death threats against people with such intent that the police have sectioned me. I have had hospital staff and others treat me with disdain and fear. And who could blame them? My T of the past occasionally had security with her during a session when I was hospitalised. She was a rarity though. She kept helping me, even though I was a right nightmare to treat. I was often non-compliant, would argue and rage around constantly and berate her. Test her boundaries to the limit. I wanted to see if I could TRUST her. I wanted to see if she would treat me as a pariah. But she pursued my humanity to the best of her ability and I attribute a lot of my enduring freedom, to her therapeutic ministrations.

So, as my psychiatrist has said to me recently "Who says you cannot have psychopathy/ASPD traits as well as Aspergers? They are not the same wiring neurologically and you have a rather unusual and terrifying childhood to account for. Being an autistic child with all the fear and confusion that comes with it in certain respects, coupled with occasions of violence, would manifest itself in a myriad of ways" and I am inclined to agree with him now. Such complex creatures we are. Who knows?

So, I started to embrace it. I brought "the Dark" as I call it closer to me, rather than pushing it away in fright and loathing. I give it a voice, but do not act on it. I REASON with it, and love it anyway. I am not saying it is easy, but it is the path of least resistance. To deny it exists, is to deny a part of myself, and all that did was make me worse.

Apologies for blabbering on, but this is something I have been thinking about for a while.

Any questions? Feel free to pick my brain.....

Michah