I just did not see it coming. WHAM! Like someone sneaking up behind you slipping on a full nelson. Or wrapping a garrote wire around your neck.

I should have better read the signs. When I was home with a cold, I was clearly depressed and attributed it to the cold thinking it would go away. It slipped into a subtler mode.

Evil people on the bus. People on the bus were getting much lower and despicable. I rationally know that is not true, but that is my perception. This has happened before when depression hits. At least I have caught it before I start getting hallucinations of evil auras around places. That is one thing to be missed.

Other signs I have had in the past were absent. No rumination and no morning music hallucinations as I wake up. Those have always been clear signposts in the past.

I rode my bike to work today. It is not raining and the forecast is nice. It seemed like a good day for some exercise. Bad idea. When I ride the bus to work, I get absorbed into reading a novel. Riding the bike lets my mind wander and it wandered into some slimy swamps of suicical ideation. (I know you are not supposed to use the "s" word here. Holy *****! If you can use it here, in a depression forum, then wtf is this place?) Like walking in a shoe sucking swamp, once that thinking starts, it can't be turned off.

Last night I took a half dose of seroquil (? I forget the name) KapOW! Profound physical sleepiness. It strangely does not stop the mental chatter and twisting painful feelings like Xanax does. Or drinking for that matter.

This is more a journal entry than a letter to anyone. What a bizarre thing to do, post a journal of mental illness on the web for anyone to read. Aren't these things supposed to be private?

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>