I haven't posted for a while, so here I am.
Pretty much in the same place as last time tbh.

Scared, Guilt ridden, Worthless, Numb, Confused, Sad, Lost.

I hate christmas. It's a time when there is a lot of people paying attention to me and they spend their money on me. I dont like either of those things. I'm not worth the money they spend. They should spend it on more important things like themselves. Then the attention...it means I have to be even more convincing with my fake smiles than usual. I can't let my guard drop for even a second.

Then life seems....hopeless. I'm never going to be anything worthwhile; never going to do anything worthwhile.
The only thing I could ever want to do is act.
But I'm crummy.
I'm too fat and ugly to be an actress.
I go to the few auditions that I hear about. But i dont hear about many because I cant afford to sign up to the big casting sites.
Besides, even if I did have the money, it wouldnt be worth it because no matter how hard I try, I will never get anywhere.

Then I have issues with my best friend. Firstly, she said that when I act depressed it really irritates her. I only ever show that side when tipsy/tired, but I feel that way all the time. So the one person who I thought one day I might be able to tell my true feelings to, finds it irritating.
Then she was getting back with her ex. She made me promise that I didnt like him because she said she didnt trust me. I dont even talk to that guy. I dont know why she didnt trust me.
He later popped up to ask me if she's any happier, because she told him that she was miserable (she must be a good actor also, because if thats te case she has managed to convince us all otherwise. I mean, she has down days and angry times and stuff, but thats normal for a teenage girl. In general she seemed rather happy.)
And then he said that he "cares about her" and that the reason why he got back with her was because he "doesnt want her to be unhappy because she is lonely). I dont know what to think of that. Does that mean that he doesnt actually like her? Should I tell her that? Or am I just reading too much into it?

There just isnt much for me in this world.
I shouldnt be here.
I dont belong.

Sorry for the length of the post guys, just a few things I needed to get off my chest.