Kvinneakt,

I'm sorry that you are not feeling too good lately. Maybe making a list of some of the signs that depression is sneaking up on you again is a good idea - then you know what to watch for next time. I know what you mean, as it happens to me too. I went through another depressive episode last month, and it started with going off of my St John's Wort. One week my T was telling me how good I was doing and then asking if the change of seasons was having an effect on me (seasonal affective disorder - he was also saying to expect the effect to be most likely to show up in January through March). I thought I was doing pretty good too - I felt fine. Then I got stupid and didn't take my SJW for a week. I can't figure out why I did that, but now that I'm doing better again it's starting to seem silly that I have to keep taking this stuff. I promised my T I wouldn't stop again though, and have to make an effort to at least remember that I promised. Anyway, there are signs that depression is sneaking up on me:

- I get irritable, and am likely to yell at people and get frustrated easily.
- Little things that ordinarily wouldn't be a big deal turn into a big deal.
- I think that people don't like me, or even are out to get me.
- I become mistrustful of people who are usually my friends.
- I get overwhelmed with all the things I need to get done.
- I stop caring about getting things done and think it's just hopeless anyway.
- I don't bother with going to bed - I have too much that I can't get done during the day and think that I might get more done at night.
- I'm too tired to get up in the morning and sleep in later and later.
- I forget to feed the sheep, water the plants, and do other routine chores.
- I don't care about eating (except for chocolate). I might be heard making the statement, "If it isn't chocolate it isn't worth eating."
- If I have a knitting project in progress, not much gets done on it even if I'm carrying it around constantly.
- No knitting projects in progress.
- Maybe it's been a few days since I picked up an instrument and played a song.
- I might think about a song I like to sing and decide that I don't feel like singing it.
- Talking slowly and quietly; stuttering

Wow, that's a lot more than I thought I was going to be able to think of. Any or all of these might be happening while I think I'm doing okay, but within a day or two I'll be significantly depressed. Since my latest goal is to work on getting out of that hole faster when I get there, maybe I ought to start trying to climb whenever any of these signs start happening. The problem is, at the beginning of an episode even if I do notice the signs, somehow at that point I want to get into that hole and hide, and I want to remember what that depth feels like again. I might actually stop taking SJW in order to facilitate that happening. But then I get stuck and it gets miserable, but I can't remember that that's going to happen.

Kvinneakt, I'm also amazed at how open I have gotten on this forum. It isn't like me at all to tell people stuff like this. I know what you mean about the suicidal ideation too - once I let my mind wander there, I keep thinking about it. My T asked me if I actually visualized going through with it (which I did last month) and said that there is a part of you that doesn't distinguish between thoughts and reality and so actually believes that that I did it now. Does that explain the more dead than alive feeling?

Tossing you a rope to help pull you out of that hole,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>