Abby,

When I was the age that you are now I said all the things that you are saying, including that I had nothing of significance to be upset about (I was jealous of people who did - at least people could understand why they were upset). I couldn't talk to anyone about it either. Back then I didn't know that other people in my family had depression because it wasn't something they were willing to talk about, especially to me. When I did try to say anything they told me I was selfish, and I believed them. It does have hills and valleys - sometimes you'll feel okay, but other times you don't. When I was felt better I questioned the reality of the times when I was down (I still do - somehow it doesn't seem real, and I have this need to keep going back there, to get down again, just to find out if it is real or not, one more time).

If you don't get some help it just keeps getting worse. I started having problems with depression when I was 9 years old (or maybe before that even), and I wanted help but couldn't get it. People just don't always listen to a kid about things like that. At 18 I was aware of the problem and had an idea what it was, and people I met were noticing that something wasn't right with me. At 19 I tried counseling for the first time and was told that I was just homesick and just needed to get married. The next year it was worse and the new counselor I went to diagnosed me with personality disorders, but still didn't seem to believe the depression part of it. I mentioned depression to doctors when I was there for something else, but none of them seemed to want to get into it and I never pushed it.

The first time I was diagnosed with a major depressive episode I was 24 years old. I got therapy but nobody said anything about meds and the therapy didn't really change anything. The thing they missed that time was that it wasn't just one episode - it was my whole life!

I was over 30 years old when I started seeing the therapist I have now, who is the first one to actually deal with any of the real problems. By this time it's never going to be curable. I have great coping skills though and am finally trying to do some of the things with my life that I always wanted to and never thought I could.

Don't wait this long. You can have your life back now, but you have to fight for it. Unfortunately, you will probably have to be pretty direct about asking for help, and depression makes it so hard to be that assertive, but you can do it. If I could have found a group like this back then who would have supported me and told me that I wasn't just selfish all that, it would have made a huge difference. You have that here. You aren't selfish, and it sounds like you do have depression and treatment can help you. Doctors pay more attention if you make an appointment specifically about depression. If you have access to counseling through your school or insurance or whatever, make sure to tell them all the things that you think might not be right. There were so many things that I didn't know were relevant like that I couldn't sleep at night and was tired all day, etc. Sometimes having good coping skills keeps even the professionals from knowing what your problem is, so try to make sure you tell them everything.

I wish you well, and if you have any more questions or need any more help we'll be here for you when you need us.

You can do it!
-Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>