I've been thinking about my perpetrators a lot tonight...well, I guess it's morning now. You see last week I had a flashback about my step-father molesting me. The flashback in itself was bad enough. I never cried over him molesting me until the flashback last week. Now when I think about it it's like Niagara Falls. I can't seem to turn it off anymore like I used to. I sometimes feel like my walls have crumbled and I don't know why. Maybe I guess it's time to work on my abuse issues. I thought I worked on them before but I guess you can't really work on something when you have so many walls built around each event.

I was thinking about my step-father tonight and started crying. I don't understand how he could touch me the way that he did...men seem to like to do that to women. That's my experience, anyways. And they smile when they do it...and the blackness in their eyes is so cold. Like they don't even have a heart. I know women do the same kind of stuff too but I don't have experience with that. Just freakin men...or little boys over the age of 18.

After my step-father molested me I started having severe stomach pains and everything...everyone thought my period was starting, but it wasn't. It was the abuse that caused it. Sometimes all I have to do is look at the hair on men's bodies and I'm triggered. Even the hair on their arms or legs triggers me. That's what I saw as a child. The hair. No wonder I was turned on to women.

Then in 2000 my boyfriend tortured me and abused me severely. It was so bad that I formed DID/PTSD from it. I've never fully recovered from it. That's when I became disabled. I just couldn't bear what happened. Since I was so abused as a child, it was so much more worse for me since he held me down with his body, grabbed my wrist, and forced my hand on a little girl...she was only 11. After that I'd black out and end up hanging myself or cutting myself really bad.

Things haven't been that easy for me. Nothing has since then. Before this all happened I was able to go to school, learn new things, concentrate, have good relationships, be around people, laugh, have normal conversations, etc. Now all I talk about is therapy-related subjects, can't concentrate worth crap, cannot seem to learn anything, can't be around people or children, my relationships suck, and I just can't be the person I once was. Things are really difficult for me now. And it's almost been 6 years. When am I supposed to get better?

I'm trying to heal myself on my own, but I'm really not doing a very good job at it. I need more help than I'm getting.