Thanks everyone. Melbadaze, I probably could email her, but she wouldn't reply as she's on leave, and I already feel bad enough about texting her.

I think I'm making the missing her worse by feeling so disappointed with myself for not being able to do 'it' (whatever that is). I honestly hoped this wouldn't happen this time. I stockpiled so much love from her and I have so many things to hold onto (texts, recordings from her, a letter, objects she's given me) and I hoped that I had started to internalize her presence and love. But it's all slipping away and the doubts are back. The what-the-hell-was-I-thinking-why-did-I-let-this-happen-to-me-I-am-never-going-back doubts. I hate this.

I'm going to try to validate that it is hard and I am doing well, and radically accept that this is how I feel right now. I'm going to increase my use of soothing and distracting activities and keep trying to get on with my life. Thanks for the list of suggestions rainbow, I keep coming back to it for ideas!

Thank you for the understanding and encouragement. There's noone in real life that I can tell.