no I am not embarrased, and I dont fear them. if I did I would still be in denial for that is exactly why I stayed out of therapy and or dropped any professional that even started asking the typical DID questions. If I was embarrassed and or feared them I would not have spent the last 4 and a half almost 5 years learning how to relax and let myself hear the voices and I wouldn't have spent the same amount of time keeping a well stocked arts and craft area so that they can draw, write and play and so on when I got triggered and they popped out. If I was still denying them in fear and embarrassment my therapist wouldnt have gone above and beyond helping me with my projects that centered around learning about them. I have fully accepted they are here and so on.

Integration is not something that happens at the end of the DID cycle. Integration is an ongoing process of finding out what memory pieces are there, what their content is, locating the triggers that cause these memory pieces to keep rerunning and then putting in place coping skills so that the triggers no longer frighten me. When the triggers no longer scare , frighten and so on the person no longer runs for their mental safe place and the memory pieces no longer go on automatic rerun based on the trigger. So yea I have integrated some of my memory pieces for example I know the situation and memory content that is known as "Darlene" and "Louise". I know what the triggers are for these two memory pieces that caused me to escape into my mental safe place and I have put in place breatihing and relaxation techniques to use. when I happen to encounter those triggers I no longer run to my la laland, I remind myself that situation happened 25 years ago, it is not happening now in 2005 then I look around and find things that are different from back then, then I take a deep breath and check in with my body making sure I can feel my feet, legs and so on up to my head. If I feel the least bit numb I get up and walk around my appartment and then take some body lotion and putting that on my feet, legs and arms. each time I notice I am the least bit numb I walk around again and I just keep checking in with myself making sure to connect back with all five of my senses. Since I am keeping mentally connected my brain as no reason to rerun memories to keep my body functioning. So yea I have integrated memories. and yea there are more memories to be found, in fact the most important on that singnifies a person ahs fully healed from this disorder is locating that core memory (first abuse memory that caused the person to want to escape into their mental safe place to begin with. in order for that one to be available to be worked on all other memory pieces have to be remembered and the triggers found. So that the person will never be triggered into that memoy piece again. Basically thats the end of the person being known as Dissociative Identity disordered and with the learned coping tools firmly in place the person most likely will never dissociate to the point of having separated memories stored in the unconscious level again.

Disowning means denying they are there, denying they are apart of me, denying they are MY memories of what I went through as a child and young adult.

Not disowning them is accepting the memory pieces are there and those memory pieces are MY memories. They are not flesh and blood people. They are in MY head as memories that have been stored separately. There is no getting rid of them and no killing them and no forcing them away. They are me. They aren't objects or people and I have accepted them so no I am not disowning them.

I don't do all this work out of fear and embarrassment. You want embarrassment have my body - 5 feet with no shoes, 150 pounds uneven lengthed legs a size 6 undies butt witha size 14 jeans stomach and look in the mirror naked. Thats what embarrasses me. So much so that sometimes when I want to relax in a bubblebath witha book I wear a bathing suit so I don't have to look at my body.

I used to fear being DID but I havent for almost 5 years now. I don't work on my DID out of fear and embarrassment . I do so because thats what needs to be done for me to take care of myself. If I have a broken bone I go to a doctor and follow my doctors treatment plan so that it will heal and I will be at my best - physically healthy. I have DID so I see a therapist and follow a treatment plan so that I will be at my best - mentally healthy. That is what needs to be done so that I am a whole person experiencing all the feelings I am supposed to be able to feel, Do all the things that I am supposed to be able to do. I am also doing this so that when it is time for my son to come home I will be at my best. being triggered into memory pieces is not being mentally healthy thats why its called a disorder - because this is not supposed to be happening. I can't change the fact that I was abused and my mind shattered into pieces because of it but I can act like a resposible adult and do what I need to do to be both physically and mentally healthy for me, for my son for those Friends that care about me.

as for the hiding gaming thread. I don't NEED to read those theads because I am denying myself anything. I read those posts one because I think they are funny. It amazes me the steps a person will go to in order to not deal with a trigger. it takes more energy to come up with all these scenerios then it does to admit one some post have triggered me and to take care of it I wont read posts by that person. When I wasn't taking care of myself I had all kinds of ways and mental scerios to hide from the triggers and admit to myself the solution is this one thing. so instead of taking care of one thing I created lots of things to block, cover and hide.I use reading these type threads to remind myself how complicated running and hiding was versus my taking care of the triggers by doing so it reminds me how far I have come.

I am embracing my children within but I am doing it through reality and remaining aware. I don't have to make up scenios in my head to slide down a slide, swing on a swing, ride a merry go round, play ball, blow bubbles, play in mud puddles, play with playdough, legos, crayons, markers, eat candy, make a whistle out of a straw, curl up with a blanket and my doll named Michaela Crystine, finger paint, watch cartoons, read cat and the hat, green eggs and ham, the bobsey twins and nancy drews and the hardy boys, a romance, horror, science fiction, nonfiction, play instruments, listen and sing along with peter alsops movies and tapes, eat pizza and bannana splits hot fudge sundays, feed the ducks, go to the petting zoo, draw write create tents out of blankets in the living roomdecorating my rooms the way I want so that I feel cared about and warm....I dont have to do these things in my imagination because I do these things while remaining aware.

As for progress I don't measure progress as in being integrated. To me progress is feeling good about my self and my life in ways I didn't before. To me progress is my being able to get out of bed in the morning even though I have cerebral Palsy and have been up all night with muscle spasms when at one point in the past that would have kept me in bed for days just because I didn't want to try and get up. progress is the fact that I use the coping skills I have been taught in therapy and my classes so well that I no longer need to be on medication for depression. I see my primary physician every 6 months and he also has a release on file so he can talk with my therapist about it too. and for the past almost two years I have been stable without antidepressants when I had been on them for three years straight before this. Progress is recognizing my suicidal thought and NOT acting on them when in the past I attempted every time. Progress is the fact that I have not cut since March 18th thats going on 9 months when before I was working on fighting this I was cutting 3 and 4 times a day. Progress is not doing ANY self injury behaviour now for almost 2 months when before I couldnt last a week. To me progress is being able to ride the city bus more than a block without having a panic attack, Progress isn't just the big accomplishments. progress is anything that is better on one day that wasnt the day before be it so simple as I didn't burn the toast today ormajor like I located a memory. I have progressed according to my standards and my therapist standards, my family doctors standards. and so on. because we all believe in the concept of celebrate your accomplishments no matter how small. life is too short to be in constant worry about making giant steps when you got to make the little steps to get to and accomplish the big steps.