Thanks MJ,

This is new to me. I have had worse episodes, but never before revealed the S thinking, knowing it opens a whole new can of worms. I guess you can't get the the best treatment if you don't tell them these things.

I have enormous coping skills. At least I always have in the past.

Today is cool and clear in Portland, Oregon. It is not quite cold enough to feel wintery, but the sun has that look. When I was in high school and got depressed, like I am now, I would cut school and go to the ice rink in downtown Denver and skate for hours. I was thinking about that today.

Oh! Sht! What a dummy I am sometimes. There goes one of my warning bells that I had not even a fleeting notice of. Ruminating. I did not know I was doing this until I wrote that down above. This is good therapy.

It is funny, there are good memories of depressed times. I loved skating and it was almost only when I was depressed. Some very sad times. I recall wandering through a big snowy empty field thinking about just laying down and sleeping. It was comforting, somehow. So quiet and peaceful with the snow gently swirling around. It does not do that in Portland. We rarely get that kind of snow storm. Here snow is rare. Perhaps one or two times a year, if at all.

I can leave work in 30 minutes. When I get home I am going to clean up the bird room, find something easy to fix for dinner, then take a Xanax instead of a seroquil whatever it is that kicks butt. I can see why Xanax is addictive. A lovely silky warm wrap. Not unlike the one time I smoked opium. don't worry, the doc prescribed it! and I am very cautious. Prescribed the Xanax, not the opium.

Day treatment. I will have to see about that one. Maybe tomorrow with not be obsessed with novel ways to get the police to do the deed to you. Oops. Can't say things like that here! Geez! why the heck not? Can we get an non-family rated section for it?

I came on here a few minutes back and there was one person wanting a chat. I tried. My company firewalll blocked it. It probably logged the attempt and the internet police will be firing me tomorrow. They probably already recorded today's postings here, too. "hello! company cops!" I will use the insanity defense. It is not a stretch.

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