It's... been awhile.

I mean. Okay. So I went to see a therapist at school. She was really nice and listened to me, and asked me a lot of questions that made me really think. I mainly went in to talk about anxiety and social problems. Didn't really get into talking about SI until the very end of the hour session, just as she had to usher me off to another person. It was really cathartic to talk about all that stuff all at once and get it all out, but the thought of explaining it all again to a different person didn't sit well with me. She gave me a list of people to talk to in the area, but yeah, never really did anything with that. I have the list saved on my computer, but I really don't know if I'm going to do anything with it.

I told my mom that I was going to the school counseling center, but only because of anxiety. It's so easy to hide it from her, because she's so far away and can't see me. I still call her on the phone every single day to let her know what's up. She is so supportive of me, but I'm afraid to tell her about this thing because I don't want to scare her. We're so close, I don't want to scare her.

anyway I took some time off the boards, because things were going well after the session at school. I wasn't feeling the urges that I had been feeling. I knew I wasn't cured, but things were lying dormant for the time, and I feared that coming back on here and reading other posts would trigger me and start me up again.

I'm back now, because my best friend just died, three weeks ago. Hit by a car while riding her bike, just... gone, all at once. She was only 21 and she was living with her boyfriend and going to school and she never did anything wrong and she was one of the nicest and most caring people I had ever met, and she's just not there anymore. She was my first roommate in college, we lived together for a year and a half and we talked all the time and she was the best friend I could have ever asked for.
I coped for the first couple of weeks after her death, mostly because it was the end of school for the semester so I had finals, then the first week of break I had to drive home for her funeral, and then it was Christmas. But now I've been alone since Sunday and things have just been stewing, and I did it because I know I can't drive my car off a bridge. I cut myself because I know I can't kill myself. For the first time I feel like I'm doing this because I am sad. I never really knew why I would do it in the past, it was just something I did, there were tons of different triggers and reasons, but the pain of my friend's death is manifesting itself in this form and I just. don't. care. I would do almost anything to have her back but it doesn't work that way.

i can't really say anything else. i don't really understand anything anymore.