((((((((Lex)))))))))) I am sorry you have been through so much in your life. It saddens me what you have had to endure and I can understand why you feel the way you do about men but there are some good ones out there. Unfortunately you have not found one.

I think a good therapist, possibly specializing in trauma would help you move through what you are experiencing especially the rush of feelings. I am here too if you ever want to talk. Please try and be safe. You are worth it.