I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.
Do you have any other support in your life that you can lean on in times like this- a close friend, a therapist, a counsellor...?
I would like to encourage you to see a therapist. They really help us deal with our lives better. If they feel that you require meds, they will also refer you.
I think my T is becoming my best friend. Not in the way that a friend can be, but I trust her and share my darkest secrets with her. And I know she cares.

I've battled with being alone all my life, and am only now realising how much I need/rely on people.
Please make sure you have company around and are not alone when you are feeling this way. You deserve to be loved and cared for.
You can unravel your life and make sense of these emotions. Self-medicating is dangerous, and not the answer. Please be safe

(((Hugs)))