It seems that I need to fill in a few blanks as to why I have not been posting - "need to" meaning that some people that care about my welfare have wanted to know how I am, etc. and I can't continue ignoring the questions any longer. It's kind of a one-time shot here, although I am usually always lurking around.

For the last month I have been getting progressively more depressed, losing control of my emotions and actions, becoming paranoid/insecure even more than usual, and have been harming myself continously.

Cutting myself has encouraged the depression immensely. I can not even begin to describe the number, amount, and severity of the scars/cuts that I have. "Horrifying" doesn't make a dent. Unfortunately I lost control and harmed my left arm badly about two weeks ago. I had seen my T and before I left the building, I cut.......

The blood was so bad that I went back to his office hoping to get a bandage and antiseptic. The nurses went and bothered him in his next appt. to come out and see me. There I was, with blood dripping down my arm onto the floor.

He tried giving me some stuff but he didn't really have the necessary things in his office. I called my pdoc and he fit me in right away. My pdoc was in shock when I took off my coat and he saw what I had done. I showed him my thighs as well and he just closed his eyes and sat there.

My pdoc bandaged it up and put ointment on them. Now there are about 19 scars on my arm......my legs, forget it, way too many.

I am not controlling my temper these days either - throwing things and destroying whatever I can find. The other day it was a coffee mug at my husband as he left the house......it went whizzing by him and shattered against the door. I was so upset and shaking afterwards.

I realized that I needed some assistance and saw my pdoc yesterday. He is trying me on Valium, 2mg., for awhile in addition to the Effexor.....as needed. Gave me 20 to start with..

I have been in constant contact with my T, esp over the last weekend - I was so on the verge and he kept me going and alive. I don't know what I would do without him, really. He even wants to call me on his xmas holiday vacation to check on me - told me that today.

I have no desire to do anything these days. I stay at work where I am safe most of the time - if I am alone, I am frightened. I booked my son's b-day party where I work - he is very excited, it will be his first b-day party ever. It gives me an excuse to work longer hours and hide out.

Saw my T today and it went very badly. My next appt with him is next month, and I told him that I probably won't be there. I have been doing my juggling act at home and work - getting harder to handle.

I want to thank everyone for their PMs and for caring. I wanted to explain generically and this was the best way. I appreciate the concern, and the love/support that I know is here.

Doc John - there are no words to describe how valuable your input is - and how flattered I am that you took the time to, not only make people feel better, but feel like they are at home, esp. me. Thank you.

I won't be posting anymore although I will be here. I hope everyone has a wonderful, peaceful holiday.

Thank you.

Mary Alice