Desperate&Disturbed, the candor of your posts is wonderful even as their content is distressing.
Quote:
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i feel like my lifes falling apart
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Here's one perspective: the life you have now
needs to fall apart. Your problems are not yours alone but are tied up in your family. As painful as it sounds, a falling apart that breaks the toxic bonds of that environment might be the best thing for you.
May rescue appear quickly. Try to seek effective help.
__________________
My dog
mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.