I'm still thinking about the question. I want to add this:
I expect people to be mad at me.
I expect people to leave.
I expect people to be mean.
Because of that, I feel shame very, very easily, and I, myself, mock my own efforts.
That is where so much of what I wrote comes from.
As I think about that, I realize why it is a great joy to me when someone simply takes my hand--without me reaching for their first. It is a joy when someone notices that I feel bad about what someone said to me at a party (if I"m even feeling brave enough to actually make it to the party----sometimes, I falter before I can even fiinish dressing), and they are there to counteract it, because they understand what I heard (they way I heard it). I am sorry to say, I like it a lot when you say I am better than someone else--especially someone physically attractive. (You don't have to say I am more beautiful all over, just the places you really like about me...even my ankles or collarbones...my cheekbones......come to think of it, bones are good: they withstand time and most changes, and that means I don't have that niggling little thought that everyone has--but that completely ruins the whole thing for me: "Yeah, but what if I gain weight?)
Also...and this is really tough, let's say we've been in a fight. I'm as wrong as you. Maybe....uh....more wrong. EVEN IF I'M THE ONE WHO STARTED THE WHOLE THING, you have to be the one who starts the apologizing. Timing is tricky here, and it depends entirely upon the situation. Sorry about that, but it's true. And what I want to hear is: "This was so upsetting, wasn't it? [hug, or a flower...nothing else too close...I might still attack]What can we (notice the we) do that would calm us down? Would you like to...blah, blah, blah."

This scene would be good because then I don't feel like I am alone...that it's all ME who's in chaos, and that you still want to be with ME, that there is still a WE and that you believe that I want to be with you---see? That our togetherness isn't even a question. When I am upset, it is beyond me to do anything that is like reparation for at least 2 hours, and sometimes as long as 4 days. (A couple of times in my life, longer than that.)

A word about flowers...when there's been a fight, the simpler flowers are better: daisies, tulips. Roses, carnations, even iris (which I love) are too heavy. I want nothing fluffy (maybe ***** willows--because who can resist those little silky toes?)...too much symbolism, and I cringe from the expectation of love...the traditional images that I just don't think I can live up to and that are likely to scare me at the time--because look what I just did--blasted everything away with an Uzzi!

So, that's what I need--me, one example.

Thanks for asking this. Being able to write this out to someone helps me see what I should tell my family and my husband....of course we'll have to negotiate on some of it. Cause, "Can't have it all, cupcake," right? And I'd feel like crap if I did! LOL