Kvinneakt,

I'm glad that my letter helped you. It probably helped me more to identify all my own warning signs. That felt pretty therapeutic, actually. I really am glad that you are back with us and posting again, as I missed you when you were not here, although I'm sorry that it means you are depressed. I'm the other way around - I'm full of things to say when I'm doing well (unless I'm just too busy) but I tend to withdraw when I'm down.

About the "s" word, I don't remember anyone restricting the use of the word suicide. It isn't censored or anything. Although I have quite an aversion to saying the word out loud, I've talked about suicidal ideation plenty here myself and have never been censured for it. I looked up the policy again (you can see it if you look in Doc John's "Welcome to the Depression Forum" post on the top of the page and click on "What not to post") What not to post includes <font color=blue>"Messages containing suicidal threats or suicidal actions"</font color=blue>. So I interpret that as no suicide threats or reports of suicide attempts. Is that how you see it? Maybe Doc John can clarify it again for us.

I guess it is risky to mention suicide to doctors or therapists, but if you feel that way it is important to tell them. My T must really trust me. I told him I felt like he didn't trust me anymore last month when he was really pushing me about meds and I included my sister (who is a pdoc) in the e-mail conversation where I was trying to explain why I didn't want to be on a prescription. He sent a message to both of us (including my sister) stating that he was concerned because in my last session I couldn't think of a reason to stay alive, etc. - he actually stretched it quite a bit in the e-mail. We had talked about suicidal ideation but I said over and over that I wasn't going to act on it.

Anyway, I guess he must really trust me afterall. He's never brought up hospitalization or anything drastic like that. Maybe he was counting on my husband to watch me, and he also knew I had to finish up the end of the semester stuff. In my case, hospitalization would not be a helpful thing because it would take away the things I'm working on in my life (and I am working on things) and I wouldn't have any reason there to work on getting better. I would be very uncooperative in fact, and probably be constantly looking for ways to break the rules. In real life I'm generally quite well-behaved but I don't think I would care there. Then, there's no psych ward at all here so it would be the state hospital, 3 hours away, so outpatient programs wouldn't work and if somehow I managed to apply and get accepted to graduate school anyway, which would probably be messed up, it would be really awkward in a year or two when I could have internships there.

But from what some of you have said the reactions have been to your disclosures and comparing what I have told my T, I guess I'm lucky. While I like knowing that he cares enough about me to be concerned, too much concern is downright uncomfortable. I did tell him that if he preferred I could not tell him the next time I had that kind of thoughts (telling him really is pretty new to me - I always just kept it in before) but he didn't respond to that (it was by e-mail).

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>