That's a hard one to measure. At one point it was the measure of my fear and I fear much less then I did. At one point it was learning to listen to the battles raging within with out striking out in harm. What now, T says I am not as separated so I can't deal with one horrific thing after another and then move on. Can't just keep filling the tank to bursting. Doc sayd same thing. But I am less functional, I can't remember stuff, my hands shake, I have a lot of physical pain.

Am I better then I was way back when? yes probably because I am not so afraid, am more secure in my relationships. I have had the experience of crying till my guts leak out and I am safe in that moment of sobbing and experiencing OLD pain.

I measured my worth by my work a lot. I also measured my worth by the way I and others treated the most devalued people in our culture. If I were good and kind and caring then it meant someone should have been that way for me.

I am officially in my middle age crisis. It is about my value, what I have been told my value is, what I believe. It is about that I can't keep taking in more and more pain and puzzles of lives to solve and get crap back at work for it.

It is about wanting to do the job well enough to get validation and love. That's the biggest ouch. Validation and love, yes at times, no at times. But I have always given my heart.

I have been in bed for days really, eating next to nothing. I was thinking that I would have my nurse friend get me a bunch of masks so I coula walk outside without triggering asthma in the cold. I think I want to be alone a lot and I thinK I need to be active in my body.

I have not been able to figure out the retirement stuff, I have two agencies that have my money and it is invested in long term goals. I want to know if I can rol it over to a different form of tax deferred account and borrow against it? I want to borrow to pay hubbie's restitution off. I want to pay the loan for son's tuition off, I want to pay off a credit card, buy my oil, get my friend's woodstove, and a few cords of wood.Property taxes, Maybe even a roof. So many things I just don't know.

I can live with unemploy for a while if all of these above are paid. My spouse makes a whopping $24,000 a year. I am greatful my kids have grown up before this occured.

I am in pain by the woman, the director who wrote me the letter. I am going to try to scan to word or something. I would like opionions on the whole thing.

We had figured that with my employment, all of our debts were paid in 5 years, including motgage. My unemploy cant pay the mortgage.

Wish I could speak to these people in person so I would know what to do. The money people I mean.

I have so much anxiety. Need more clonazapam, forgot to pick it up for two days.

I thought I could do a little travel, like small things, seeing a cous. Most of all I think I want to walk. Walk everywhere, just walk, look, see, enjoy, maybe see. And someday start my felting again with all of my lovely new ideas. Just no juice yet.

Money people anywhere? I don't even know if I have money to mail my daughter a package tomorrow. I will have to call the bank.

My daughter, I want to go see her. I am feeling afraid of driving with my exhaustion and confusion so a bus sounds good. I could stay at my friend's not too far away.

I am so very sad right now. I have lost a big part of my life and it was done in a way that I feel like I finally realized I am but one peice in the works and it can be taken out and replaced. All of my work matters only to those who have died with my assistance, and to me. Maybe a few family members here and there.

I have been wanting to simplify. I can do that. Less need of cars and gas, more homemade food though I am not eating again. More time to hang clothes, no dryer. More time to have a home instead of a house. What would that look like for me? How would it feel?

Geez I am struggling here. It has gotten so bad that I am going to have my son climb the roof and hook up the antenna wire so I can use my router again. I want to see Christmas specials.

And where will my baby be at Christmas? I am not christian, but it is a day of family and feast and light and joy of togetherness and warmth. She has not wanted to be part of Judaism either so I guess the whole thing is up to her. Miss my child. Miss my other child who has a restraining order on me, miss me dead daughter. I tried to find her old soft after ski boots for the youngest tonight, only found one.

I could mumble forever. I can't really give anything to anyone right now except my warmth of feeling. Peace everyone.