Great first step GG. That first talk is difficult but it gets easier once the ice is broken. Like you, by the time I went for help I had early memories, and negative experiences fogging my view and feeding my fears of doctors and all things related to the medical and psychiatric profession.

I felt a strange mixture of relief and fear when I was diagnoised. Relief that my search for understanding my symptoms had been narrowed - even if I didn't exactly respect the source or research behind the determinations and recommended treatment; Relief that a label could explain my strange and self distructive behaviours; the merry go round that was my life. Fear that accepting the dx meant I would become my dx - terminally ill - chronically dysfunctional. Fear that I would have to sell out to get help. So many mixed emotions were at play.

The labels did change me or at least change how I saw myself; how I reflected on my past and envisioned my future; how I wrestled with inner conflicts.

I think my uneasy feelings about a diagnosis had more to do with fearing treatment that would require medication and psychotherapy. Accepting that kind of treatment would fly in the face of my professed values and beliefs. I avoided getting a dx for a long time because I was sure it would lead somewhere I wasn't prepared to go. I was so sure I knew the next step that I wouldn't take the first one.

When I finally decided to take that first step to get a dx without looking forward to the next step is when I discovered that the next step would still be in my hands. No one could impose meds on me; no one could force me to talk. Disclosing my problems with a doctor, getting a psych dx did not mean I would have to relinquish my rights or denounce my principles.

Disclosing to my doctor did mean that I was willing to explore the options he and his profession could offer to me. It meant that I was willing to listen and learn; to have my assumptions and prejudices challenged, perhaps even altered. I was eventually able to do this with confidence knowing it could not hurt and maybe it would actually help me to make more informed decisions for myself.

Unlike in my early memories of doctors I am not a child who has no right to refuse. I am an adult and now I do have the right to refuse. This power makes me more receptive to the suggestions and treatment options I now invite from my current doctor. I see him as a partner in my health care whom I can trust and not an authority figure who can hurt me.

Having that first talk and receiving a dx is a big step. I hope for you that it goes well and that you are able to resolve some of the worries and concerns about what may or may not come next for you.