This is probably a pretty random post, but it's in my mind big time today.

If anyone asked me, I would have to say that I think I am a very nice person- kind and sensitive and really giving. (Sure, I hate myself, but I do think I am nice..) But seriously, I am ridiculously nice to others and would do just about anything for them.

But really, I am not very nice at all, at least to my husband. He is always asking me why I am so angry, why I find it easy to be so mad at him. Last night he said "why do you have so much trouble liking me, or finding anything good about me."

Yes, we are in a bad place in our marriage right now, and I know lots of that has to do with me being really depressed. (and not being nice to him!) And yes, I DO realize that we often take things out on those around us because we feel safer doing that. The reality is that he has been the only constant in my life for about 28 years.

The thing is, I don't LIKE feeling so mean to him, and I actually DO think I would feel better if I said and did nice things for him. But for some reason I just can't let this bitterness go.. I don't know, maybe it helps keep me sad and I don't want to let go of it. Maybe I don't want to be nicer because it might make me seem happier and I don't want him to think I could be happy, because I need someone to feel bad for me and worry about me..???