Wow!! I am jealous of him too! How sweet a life you describe. One can only dream of such an existance.

I wonder though about his need for you. It is likely not in the same way that you need him but his need for you in his own way may be just as real and just as important to him.

I totally understand what you mean when you say he doesn't know what it is like to feel this deeply. In my experience that is totally accurate. He can't know. Only those who have been there know what it is like. Observers are perplexed by it all. They can be empathetic to a point. Sympathetic to a point. Understanding and patient but they will never know what it is like without having lived it. We so wish they could know. Sometimes we want it for validation and compassion. 'See, its pretty rough hey.... its not so easy to 'get over it' from my side of the street is it?' We want to be recognized for our strength. It takes great strength to endure the pain somedays.

That is were PC and other connections with people in the same boat comes in for me. Here people get it. They live it so they get me. I don't have to justify myself with people who get it. Outside of PC even if no one around me is asking me to justify or bounce out of my lack of motivation, energy, enthusiasm, drive, stress management skills, poor outlook on life etc etc I impose it on myself. I measure myself against others and where I don't measure up I am brutle on myself. That will sometimes come out as rage towards the person I am trying to measure up with or back onto myself with more judgements.

I hope you are able to resolve some of these strains in your life and in your relationship. I can imagine how lonely you must feel. While on one had it is wonderful that your husband is happy and healthy it has to be hard to be around when you are feeling the opposite in every way and don't know if, or when or how it will ever change for you.

It sounds like you are really feeling the pressure of everything right now. So many questions and so few answers. It will get better. You are going to determine that happens. Be patient and kind with yourself. Take things step by step until you get where you want to be. Keep your dreams alive.