Years ago after joining the military I was having the usual separation anxiety but I did not want to feel the pain so I told my self to turn it off. Yea right like that could really work right. Problem is it worked to damn good. I came to the sudden realization last night as I left my family behind again that I was numb. Not just to the pain of leaving those I love, but to everything. I enjoy flying always have. Whether as a passenger or crew member I enjoy being in the air. Last night I felt nothing. So numb. I tried to recall earlier feelings while flying but could not even remember what that felt like. It is as though I turned off that part of my brain. How do I turn it back on. I feel like I am in this empty vessel just along for the ride. I am in hear screaming to get out but now I am hurried in here under all this. I WANT OUT!!I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN. Where is that fun loving kid? Where did he go? I am in here I just feel this weight in my head. I am me but I don't always feel like me. It is weird. I started this to escape the pain. I miss my family but I did not cry when I left. But when I see there pictures of When they were little I cry. I feel that. This sudden rush of emotion and regret floods my mind. Then I push it away. Turn it off. Don't want to be reminded of all I missed. Of the two young men who grow up without me. Even as I type this I fight off and suppress the feelings associated with these memories. It is such a habit now it is almost second nature. How do I turn this off and my emotions back on. Could this be what happened in 06 when I had my melt down? Am I doomed to repeat this visious cycle? Is this something anyone else does?