soooo idk what to do... i kind of assumed because my therapist was frustrated with me, she was intentionaly, subtly trying to nudge me into quitting and only coming "as needed" but, maybe I'm wrong ...maybe, instead, she misunderstood where I was coming from. like she put the words in my mouth and said,...well ...if you want to end therapy..then you have too" and to be honest, i never said i did. i think we had some misunderstandings but as i sit back and think about all of them now, my natural way of being is to run away from situations that involve any big form of misunderstanding...if i feel i have upset someone or they don't understand me, i usually avoid the person all together until maybe they contact me again..., this is my therapist..SHE will never contact me again..unless i take initiative, so i have to either let this go and move on or put some faith in it. however, i'm thinking since i'm bad at communicating...maybe it would be good to go back...because what i usually do is run...from relationships in RL... relationships in RL dont have to end because of a few fights and disagreements? i feel naive for asking that but, i lived most of my life thinking if i made a mistake i'd be abandoned for it. the flip side is i'm trying to let the past be the past and i discussed a lot of my past in that room...so sometimes i'm skeptical of going back...i'm trying to make sure i do good transitioning in to school.

this will be relevant, although it wont seem to be at first...anywho, i did something dumb and got a nose piercing without thinking, abrubtly/// but, it helped me realize something...i was unaware of how gentle i had to be with it or how much it would have to be cleaned...twice a day they say... they say it takes time to heal--- 3 months even... i completley compared it to therapy and realized that this is the reason i felt my therapy went so badly...i was NOT gentle with my soul wounds, with the things that hurt me, in fact I criticized every aspect of it and I didn't and rarely did much to soothe myself while in the process of it. healing could of been a whole lot less painful if i was more gentle with myself and that goes for everybody on PC. in the long run, we really do have to be gentle with ourselves and our healing. getting that nose ring helped me see thats how it works physically, so its ironic that this is very similar to how wounds work emotionally. also, i got the nose ring spontaneously...just like wounds in life are kind of "spontaneous" thats a bad word to use probably but what i mean is i got a nose ring with no knowledge of how long it would take to heal...we have wounds in our lives that we carry with us===and we usually get them with no concise timeline of how long they will take for us to work through them....i thought my nose ring would heal in a couple of days... therapy i thought a couple of months...turns out a couple of days is three months...turns out a couple of months could mean something completley different? who knows.? does healing have a "true" timeline? ....maybe healing is that lifelong process...bit by bit..day by day and some just grow freer then others.

my plan was to never see my therapist again

but, if any of you know how that is?
tell me?

i'm going to school moving out this week
and i just wanted to say goodbye to last year
and most things associated with it
and say hello to new beginnings.

but tonight or today i second guess myself on that!

JAZZY