Thank you all so much. The relationship stuff with my partner is so complicated because she certainly does love me and this isn't 'the end'. Saying goodbye, having a good cry, dusting myself off and starting again might be simpler in a way. Not painless, but at least there'd be a map for that. I can't find a map for what I need to do now.

Today, it feels like I'm all out. I used up every last ounce of skilfulness to get to today, when I was counting on T's help, but the earliest she can help me is tomorrow evening. That's probably best because I truly can't let myself be that vulnerable again. I've told her I'm not coming back. It feels easy to say that because she seems like a stranger now anyway. I've emailed another (male) T to ask about doing schema therapy (which I was about to start with my current T) with him instead. I've never been able to form any kind of emotional connection to males, so hopefully that will be much simpler and more straightforward.

Is all this wise mind? It's hard to tell. It does feel very peaceful. But maybe it's the peace of giving up. I just don't know. I do know that it's getting dark here for the evening and I haven't yet moved from my bed. The poor dog is lying devotedly across my legs and even she deserves a better life than this. How much longer?