Clueless, I'm so sorry. I've been wondering where your posts were. And here you are, very sad.

First, isn't your sleep schedule VERY screwed up? Your description of your experience sounds like a depressive episode. So, get your sleep and good habits in place asap.

Second, you had a huge holiday--much going on emotionally. In some ways, it has to be a relief to leave. There's this thing that happens for me: as soon as I have my bags packed, I'm gone.....I'm shutting down where I am, and imagininge where I'll be.

Living in the moment is the antidote for me. I bring myself back from the zone by paying attention to really little things: the crackle of the peanuts package--which it turns out is intensely irritating, the shape of the letters on a paperback page, etc.

Families are an enormous world. The have whole ecosystems, watersheds, natural disasters in them......and kids are resilient. I find that I don't understand most of what happens with my family until awhile later........"awhile" like a month or two or more.

You aren't doomed to cycles of depression. Even if you're bipolar also, as long as we're on our meds, we're almost entirely safe. If the meltdown is a bpd one, it really does matter that now you have us, and it really does matter that you are already seeing mental health professionals. And, it does help to be in the moment as much as possible. Don't push yourself so much...Be....Be.