I know all the tools, I know the origins of my depression and anxiety, I've had tons of therapy. I don't encorporate anything. It doesn't get internalized. My anxiety, despair and feelings of utter lack of motivation to do anything are intense. I'm relying on xanax too much to calm down. I get little to nothing accomplished each day. I need to have more resolve to help myself, not live in wishful thinking that some new practitioner or drug will deliver me from my suffering. It's gone on for so many years that I feel more and more hopeless. I'm so tired. Depression is getting worse. My life feels unreal, a dream in slow motion. I'm alone, no husband or family. Friends were once supportive, a long time ago. But they really don't want to hear about it anymore. And I don't want to burden them. I don't have any really close friends. I wonder if I'll ever get off disability. I wasn't able to handle the stresses of the workplace in social work and have no other marketable skills. My young energetic dog's demands feel like an additional pressure. Being in my tiny worn out-looking house triggers agitation too. I just want to flee from my life and start over. But there is no fleeing. I know I have to face the conditions of my life as they are - being poor, being single, responsibilities as a dog owner, having severe depression and anxiety, and dependent childlike wishes for someone else to come along and make it all better. The xanax is kicking in. Maybe I can seize the moment to do a little yoga, walk my dog, clean this dump a little, something. I want to have a normal life, be productive, instead of feel like a vegetable all the time. I want to work at a job that feels manageable. I want a loving man in my life. Everything good feels out of reach. Sorry to be so filled with negativity. Just venting.