I do know what you mean about the living the moment. That is what I was saying I push away feelings and usually enjoy what is around me. But I noticed I didn't even enjoy flying. Which is weird because I always enjoy that. It was the one thing I had before. I even tried to think back to my aircrew days and pull from those feelings, but it was as though they were buried under this incredible weight. At least that's the best way I can describe it. I wanted so bad to feel something but I was numb. I know sleeplessness can make depression worse but I have been feeling this for days maybe a week. Popping fire works another big one for me. It just didn't have the same feeling this year. I put on a good face for the youngest because he really loves it too, so I didn't want to spoil it for him. All I wanted to do was immerse my self in that video game. It is a way for me to disconnect that and movies. But then I feel guilty for neglecting everyone. My pdoc says when I am down I need to be around people to pull my self out of slump. While that does work sometimes there are times when I just can't do it. I find myself aggravated by little stuff and I keep it all inside because I don't want to ruin everyone else's fun. I just smile on the outside and inside say the mean and hatefull things I would really like to say. Or if I really realty hate someone I will avoid taking to them all together. The only problem is it all builds up and my wife and kids pay for it when it comes out. And of course that's what I did. My kids must thing I'm some kind of psychopath the way I snap over little crap like them chewing with their mouths open. Then I feel like crap because I am only home for a couple weeks for the holidays and I ruin everything. The oldest left and went to grandparents house. I don't blame him I would too if I were him. I am so scared that when they grow up they will resent me and not ever want to be around me. I think sometimes I going to die a lonely old man and there will be no one there at my funeral because no one will want any thing to do with me.

I don't like being alone but I need to be alone sometimes to recharge. I can only be around people for so long. Even my own family. I feel guilty for this but if I don't have this time I get grumpy. Sometimes I just can't be around any one. Not even my dogs. I don't want my wife to touch me I just want to be alone. I try not to show it but it comes out in the form of grumpiness. I don't know why this is but it cause problems for us because she thinks it is her and beleives I don't love her. While I do have those moments when I treat her bad a say mean and hateful things that's not it. But it leads in that direction sometimes because of fights that have been started because she would leave me be. Even when I ask her to just leave me alone she would keep pushing until I get real bad off and loose lock my self in a bathroom are closet with a razor blade she forces her way in and wrestles it from me, then I beat myself in the head. So much rage. Why can't she just leave me be. Then I do hate her. This has been happening two to three times a year. 06/07 was the worst. Very bad time I ended up in the hospital. I thought I was going group be committed. That is the main reason I held so much back from doctors because I thought they would label me a nutcase and send me too the funnyfarm. I didn't fool anyone one of the doctors even put it in her report to the military docs that I didn't admit to any short comings and that everyone has something wrong with them. I know I am babbling again but it helps me to write it down. And it helps for perspective from someone else who has similar issues and understands my pain. Doctors and family don't get it. It did help some once I opened up, but I Have a ways to go. Thank you BPD2 for your perspective!! You and everyone here are a godsend. I mean that knowing that there is hope for me helps. It doesn't feel that way right know but know that there are folks out there with way bigger demons than me that have learned to manage things is comforting. (((Kalisha))) I hope your doing alright haven't heard from you in a while and just want you to know your in my thoughts. Hang in there.