Im new. And the only reason I came here, is to maybe find someone who will understand how I really feel.. and save me from my personal hell before its too late.. I know I suffer from depression. But that word.. depression.. its so undermined among my group of friends. They use it for everything. "Oh im so depressed my boyfriend is still playing DOTA", "Oh Im so depressed today got class", "Oh Im so depressed my make up was so expensive".. when I actually tell someone Im depressed.. they dont understand its a matter of life and death. That my depression, will kill me and Im literally begging them to come save me.

Nobody gets it. I cant see a shrink either. I have no contacts or money. And the last time I tried to get a referral, the doctor thought I was lying.

Maybe its because I never show how really broken I am. I smile and scoff and I pretend to be some kind of tough chick when truly I feel so fragile that Im afraid if someone actually hugs me I might break.

I need help. I dunno how to get help. I feel like this demon is taking over me and it isnt long before I completely lose myself and I finally do the thing I dream and fantasize of doing all the time.

Why wont anyone understand.. why wont anyone come save me. I have been in my room alone for a 5 days and not one call.. I have not seen anyone since the holidays started. Im all alone in my hostel and everyones gone back to their families and Im terrified to go back because even the thought of it makes me want to stab myself.

I dont even have the energy to actually go and take a shower. or eat or do anything. Im just lying on my bed, staring at the computer of staring at the wall. I just want someone to drag me out of my bed and put me in a shower and take me out somewhere or admit me in a psyche ward because I really dont have the energy to do this.. any of this.

I dont wanna die.. but Im not alive either.