I have read about so many of you having severe anxiety prior to going to an appointment. Why do we feel like that? I just want to go in there and be relaxed, but I can't most of the time.

T tells this is normal and that she expects me to 'not want to talk' sometimes. I just feel like I am wasting her time and MY money when we don't have a fruitful session.

The past week has been terrible for me. Christmas always bring depression for some reason. Then having to think about my homework for my next therapy session has had me a nervous wreck.

I am to go back and revisit my first marriage. I was only 17 at the time! Looking back at pictures and thinking about how miserable I was in that relationship, has stirred up emotions I don't want to think about.

Why bring all that back up? I can't change anything that happened. I just want to forget those bad memories!

I finally broke down and called my T tonight. I have NEVER done that before. She was okay with it and talked me through my anxiety. She tells me that I have a lot of anger and hurt that I am suppressing because of that marriage.

She is probably right, but to go back to that time in my life is killing me on the inside. I am an emotional wreck just thinking about it. Is it really going to 'heal my inner self' by going back to that?

I do feel better after talking with her. We were on the phone for 45 minutes. I was shocked that she would stay with me that long.

My next appointment is Thursday. I sure hope that I calm down before then. Anxiety is a killer!