there are many underlying reasons why we used drugs or alcohol. wanting to escape from reality, not being able to cope well, running from self, etc. it will help you to remember what caused you to use drugs in the first place. your posting here seems to me a way to call out for answers and help. you know them so reflect back on when u started using and what reasons and "benefits" u found. my guess is that u stopped cause it created more problems in your life. hope u find the reasons for both-using and stopping using. that way u can find out "why?" u feel u want to continue using. nuckfutz gave u good advice...jails, institutions and death. it is real, not just a saying, for those of us that once used or abused alcohol. it's your choice of course but the easier softer way is sobriety, imho.